What I'm Really Learning From College

People will tell you getting your wisdom teeth out is hell.

These people are pussies

Whats bad about this wonderful thing? You get shot up with morphine for a day, get waited on hand and foot, ice cream whenver you want, and to top it all off they give you a bottle of vicodin for your troubles.

People, I implore you... get as many teeth taken out of your head as you can.


Corey "Nine teeth out and counting..." Spring

Ahh the simple pleasures of being at home. Yes, home life may be boring at times (especially if you live in Southeastern Ohio...bleh) but it is not without it's perks in comparison to dorm livin'.

Pros:

1. You don't have to wear sandals to take a freakin' shower. Which reminds me...
2. You can take baths again!
3. You can get something to drink that isn't a Coke product.
4. You have more than 3 cramped rooms to walk around in.
5. No need to take a walk outside to get a meal.

Some nice perks in my opinion...sure there are others. But there are also the cons to living back at home for the summer. Some of the highlights?

Cons:

1. Some of us (read...me no longer have high speed internet access
2. Some of us (read...me no longer have a job!
3. No Larkins
4. Total Boredom and...
5. If you start drinking by yourself everyday as a result of boredom, you transform from a fun-loving party guy to a pathetic alcoholic.

Again there are more, and again, the forces of boredom in Cambridge have sucked my ability to type anymore. Screw this... my unemployed ass is going to watch Super Troopers again.

Corey "License and registration... chicken-fucker" Spring

Well, after a long journey and being hit by a CABS bus (OSU's friendly way of saying goodbye) I have returned to Cambridge, Ohio. Sadly, I can already feel myself longing for Columbus again. I don't know what you guys do for fun when you're at home, but here we go to Wal-Mart, Wendy's and then if we're feeling really crazy, we go to Salt Fork State Park. Call me a converted city boy if you must, but I can't take a summer of this. Sure, a week or two of this rest and relaxation in rural Ohio would be nice, but I get the feeling three months of it will be craptacular. Ah well, that's what jobs and road trips were designed for.

So that's it, no witty comments or observations about life, just an update on how freakin' bored I am. Stay tuned for something more humorous later.


Corey "It's a good day to die, McDougal" Spring

This is the most pivotal moment of my life

That's the voicemail Adrienne recieved from me around 4am a couple nights ago. Was I drunk? Shut up, that's not the point. Drunk or not, it's a good quote. It also begs the question, what's the most pivotal moment in your life? At least recently, anyhow. After all, what is life without risks, gains, and yes, losses. It's like I was telling a friend earlier: "The sweet is never as sweet without the bitter" That's not my quote, it's from Vanilla Sky. Pretty good advice though. I hope you all remember to take some calculated risks in your own lives.

You won't win all the time, but you'll appreciate the hell out of times you do.


Corey "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" Spring

Forwards. I fucking hate forwards.

I checked my email today, like I do every other day of my life. '12 New Messages' the screen flashes back at me. Damn, I thought, I must be in high demand today. So I open up the inbox and I'm greeted with three offers to enlarge my penis, one to re-finance my home, four porno emails, and four forwards from my grandmother.

"Corey," I hear you say, "Old people can't use computers, how could your grandmother do that?" Well, you are absolutely right, I have never met a card carrying AARP member that could boot up a computer. Because of this very reason, my family decided some years back to get my grandparents a WebTV so we could talk to them while they were in Florida. Worst desicion ever. Why? Well here's a sampling of one of the many things I get from this sweet woman everyday.

Bible Proved Correct by NASA!
> Finally, a Christian man on the team said, "You know, one time I was in
> Sunday School and they talked about the sun standing still. "While they
> didn't believe him, they didn't have an answer either, so they said, "Show
> us." He got a Bible and went back to the book of Joshua where they found a
> pretty ridiculous statement for any one with "common sense." There they
found the Lord saying to Joshua, "Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee." Joshua
was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy and if darkness fell they would overpower them. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand
> still!!! That's right-"The sun stood still and the moon stayed-and hasted not to go down about a whole day!!! " (Joshua10:12-13)
The scientists said, "There is the missing day!" They had the computers
> going back into the time it was written and found it was close but not
> close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua's day was
> 23 hours and 20 minutes-not a whole day. They read the Bible and there
> it was "about (approximately) a day" These little words in the Bible are
> important, but they were still in trouble because if you cannot account
for 40 minutes you'll still be in trouble 1,000 years from now. Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my grandmother, and I don't have any terrible grudges with people believing the Bible... but this is quite possibly the most BULLSHIT story I have ever heard in my life. The very idea that people believe NASA computers could go back in time and find a missing day makes me want to go into a seizure. Is there no common sense left in the world?

I suppose it's fitting then, that the company responsible for this terrible WebTV invention is Microsoft.


Corey "I've choked bigger men than you" Spring

Well on the advice of some friends, I've started writing again. Hope it doesn't suck

So this is it, as of right now I have two solid years of college under my belt. The halfway point of my college career and I still feel like I just got out of high school. We go to our lectures, take our notes, and show up for the finals, but what have we really learned. Here's a few of the highlights college has shown me that I'll remember long after I've forgotten the atomic number of tungsten.

1. People in Ohio amazed by changes in the weather - I will never understand this. It will always rain, it will always get cold, and will always get warm again. Deal with it and stop asking me what the weather is doing every time I get on a damn elevator.

2. College students live and die by instant messenger - An affliction we are all guilty of. When we go to bed for the night, we have to inform the world as such by putting it in an away message. There is not, nor will there ever be a logical explanation for this, either.

3. Chris Danley is a crazy son of a bitch - If you have ever been in a van barreling down the Buckeye Grove with Chris behind the wheel, you'll know what I'm talking about.

4. Ohio State is secretly run by a group of semi-retarded monkeys - I can't attest to this being a fact firsthand, but I've seen the construction projects slapped up in haste, and I've worked a bumbling crew of fools at our student television station. Accoring to Ockham's razor then, this school must be run by developmentally impaired primates.

There are more, but that last one really demotivates me from writing anymore.
Now... time to unlearn all of that important stuff from this year in the next week while everyone is taking finals!


Corey "With karate I'll kick your ass" Spring