What I'm Really Learning From College

I don't know if you know this, but I'm an American male ages 18-24, and every network and advertising firm wants to know what I'm watching on TV. Why? Because I'm young, stupid, and I've got money to burn - that's why.

Ironically, these companies want to know what the hell I'm watching on TV, when there is so much incredible bullshit spewing over the airwaves. Don't believe me? Check out ABC's new show Commander in Chief, about a woman president.


Commander in Chief
D+

I turned this on last week because I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, you know, crazy Madam President declares war on Belgium because she's on her period and that's where all the good chocolate is. BUT NO! This show actually thinks it's serious. Swing and a miss, I'll stick to believable television, thanks. Yeah, I also see it's rated high in the Nielsens, big deal, it's the women watching it because they are the ones at home cooking the pies. Besides, whose interested in what women think. Not me.

There's a lot of other crap on TV like this, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

Advertisers need to start catering to what important people think, i.e. what I think. I don't know if you're aware, but I'm a pretty big deal - people know me. So, keeping in mind how important I am, here's the shows on television that advertising gurus should start chucking their money at like a common street performer or Vietnamese hooker. And likewise, where they can save their damn blood money.


The Colbert Report
B+

Some say they don't like this because it's not as good as the Daily Show. Hi, it's not supposed to be the Daily Show Redux, it's Steven Colbert being ridiculous Steven Colbert. For instance, when he has guests on, he walks around and accepts the audiences applause while the guest waits at a small table in the dark. Or how bout his closing thoughts on Friday's show.

...There is simply no reason for anyone to run out of money. Why? These babies right here (points to credit card application). Zero percent financing for nine months. Zero. This is free money. Folks, I sign up for every credit card I'm offered. And I use them everywhere: the grocery store, the gas station, paying off other credit cards..."

Steven Colbert, he's looking over your shoulder, but only because he's got your back.



The West Wing
A -

Yea, I'm aware I just slammed the other show about the presidency. You know why? Because it wishes it could be The West Wing. In fact, a lot of The West Wing's appeal is that it's the presidency many of us wish we had. President Bartlett is like Bill Clinton, but wiser and without being so damn horny. Republican and that doesn't do it for you? No problem. Right now the show is centered on the upcoming presidential election where Alan Alda is the favorite Republican to win. Also, no one beats the West Wing when it comes to ridiculous guest stars. In the last episode alone they had: Jill from Home Improvement, Alan Matthews from Boy Meets World, Jimmy James from NewsRadio, and... drum roll, please.... Ron Silver; that's right, the bad guy from Timecop. Also, I hear Martin Sheen is on the show.



Laguna Beach
F -

Like this show? How about you go ahead and fuck yourself then. No, it's not real... really. Oh you heard that some guy you used to know's dad has a drinking buddy who knows a guy who takes care of this chick's dog that lives next door to one of the cast members and she said it was all real. Oh well Jesus, that changes everything. Go jump off a large tower because you are making the rest of us dumber by having to be around you.

(If you're a hot girl, I'll let it slide if you like this show)






Adult Swim

B + / F -

The quality of Adult Swim's programming differs dramatically in quality depending on what you happen to be watching. For example, Family Guy. There's a funny show. However, they have been rerunning that ad nauseum for 2 years now... yet advertisers keep throwing money at Adult Swim. Hey jackasses, where were you 5-6 years ago when Family Guy was on the first time around? Oh that's right, you didn't think it was funny and helped kill it with Fox... but I digress... Also, the same goes for Futurama.

Ever heard of The Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Home Movies? These are equally hilarious cartoons that can only be found (again in rerun form) on Adult Swim. Why haven't you seen them? Probably because Adult Swim changes it's programming lineup about as much as fat kid changes his insulin syringes. Get with the 21 Century and Tivo that shit.

Also, while you're recording those shows, make sure you miss Tom Goes to the Mayor, Squidbillies, 12oz. Mouse, umm, did I miss any... there's so many bad ones. A lot of japamiation, which I'm not into... basically, about everything I didn't specifically list. Oh yeah, and make sure to not watch their promos and bumps either... they will make you retarded faster than drinking lead based paint.

Well there you go networks and advertising firms... that's a taste of what this male ages 18-24 is watching. This male ages 18-24 that is months away from graduating college and making more money than he's ever seen in his life... this is what he's watching. You have two options here, you can either pump your money in and out of what I'm watching on tv, or, if you prefer, can cut out the middle man of advertising and send your sports cars and your cell phones and Bellgrande Nachos directly to me for testing and recommendation to my other equally dumb friends.

The ball is in your court - I suggest you choose the latter.

If you do not have the privilege of attending The Ohio State University, then you are likely missing out on the time honored tradition of a gameday at Ohio State... something that is likely more than half the reason to even go to the godforsaken school. Here now, is an inside look at the typical day of many a college student on a Saturday in October (luckily for all of you, I can operate a camera when drunk).

In our house, gameday started with the chirping of my alarm clock at 7am. Approximately half an hour later, I was out of bed. Oh this particular day, Ohio State vs. Michigan State happened to coincide with one of my roommates (Tingley's) birthday. Being the good roommates that we are, Latimer and I hoofed it down High Street to get Tingley his birthday breakfast in bed... McGriddles and Busch Light. And Rolaids.

Interesting sidenote - there were about 20 police officers at Mcee Dee's while we were there, so if you ever want to knock over a liquor store in Columbus, do it at about 7.30am when all the police officers are shoving hash browns down their throats.


Now, beer is not exactly the first thing one wants to drink when waking up, but that simply does not matter. It is more a thing that you have to do, like visiting the dentist or showing up to court after you piss on a state trooper. You do not have to bong it, or drink it fast, but beer must be with you throughout the whole waking up process, to get your blood pumping Scarlet and Gray... and beer.

There is one exception to this rule, and that is The Shower Beer. If you choose to take a shower before the game, you must take a beer in with you, it is not debatable. You must finish the beer by the time you finish the shower... and taking an inordinate amount of time to do so is very much frowned upon. Finally, when you finish the beer, it must be placed somewhere in the bathroom, like a trophy. I have seen grown men dragged into the street, called degenerates, and stoned for failing to observe these customs correctly.

By this time, you should be ready to tailgate. Tailgate is a fancy word for "Eat as much food and drink as much booze as you can before the game starts because you can't do it in the stadium." At our tailgates, Momma Sab and Co. grace us with delicious treats like brats, cheesy potatoes, fried turkey and a delightful variety of goods from the Riesbecks bakery. Oh, and often times, Yuengling beer. If you have never had it, drop everything you are doing and drive to Pennsylvania and get some. If you are in Pennsylvania, drop everything you are doing and bring me some Yuengling beer.

If you can stop at another tailgating party (like the legendary Colin Mack's) on the way to your primary tailgate location, this is highly recommended and encouraged.

And while eating and drinking at this high rate, you may not yet know your body's capacity to handle this, and feel the urge to vomit. This is shocking and a foreign concept to you, I'm sure. The only advice I would give to someone in this situation can best be described by the character Billy Bob in Varsity Blues... "Puking Rally!" You make the call.

Anyhoo, at about now it's time for the game, a small yet, for some reason, important part, of football Saturdays. You only really need to know two things for this. One, it is possible to get a sunburn in the middle of October, and you probably will. Two, if you are a girl sitting with a bunch of guys, expect to be thrown back and forth into the air for every point Ohio State scores... every time they score. That being said, here's some other pictures from the game.

(I didn't feel like taking time to align them all pretty. Deal with it)