Advertise on Television? You're Welcome
I don't know if you know this, but I'm an American male ages 18-24, and every network and advertising firm wants to know what I'm watching on TV. Why? Because I'm young, stupid, and I've got money to burn - that's why.
Ironically, these companies want to know what the hell I'm watching on TV, when there is so much incredible bullshit spewing over the airwaves. Don't believe me? Check out ABC's new show Commander in Chief, about a woman president.
Commander in Chief
D+
I turned this on last week because I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, you know, crazy Madam President declares war on Belgium because she's on her period and that's where all the good chocolate is. BUT NO! This show actually thinks it's serious. Swing and a miss, I'll stick to believable television, thanks. Yeah, I also see it's rated high in the Nielsens, big deal, it's the women watching it because they are the ones at home cooking the pies. Besides, whose interested in what women think. Not me.
There's a lot of other crap on TV like this, but I'll get back to that in a minute.
Advertisers need to start catering to what important people think, i.e. what I think. I don't know if you're aware, but I'm a pretty big deal - people know me. So, keeping in mind how important I am, here's the shows on television that advertising gurus should start chucking their money at like a common street performer or Vietnamese hooker. And likewise, where they can save their damn blood money.
The Colbert Report
B+
Some say they don't like this because it's not as good as the Daily Show. Hi, it's not supposed to be the Daily Show Redux, it's Steven Colbert being ridiculous Steven Colbert. For instance, when he has guests on, he walks around and accepts the audiences applause while the guest waits at a small table in the dark. Or how bout his closing thoughts on Friday's show.
Steven Colbert, he's looking over your shoulder, but only because he's got your back.
The West Wing
A -
Yea, I'm aware I just slammed the other show about the presidency. You know why? Because it wishes it could be The West Wing. In fact, a lot of The West Wing's appeal is that it's the presidency many of us wish we had. President Bartlett is like Bill Clinton, but wiser and without being so damn horny. Republican and that doesn't do it for you? No problem. Right now the show is centered on the upcoming presidential election where Alan Alda is the favorite Republican to win. Also, no one beats the West Wing when it comes to ridiculous guest stars. In the last episode alone they had: Jill from Home Improvement, Alan Matthews from Boy Meets World, Jimmy James from NewsRadio, and... drum roll, please.... Ron Silver; that's right, the bad guy from Timecop. Also, I hear Martin Sheen is on the show.
Laguna Beach
F -
Like this show? How about you go ahead and fuck yourself then. No, it's not real... really. Oh you heard that some guy you used to know's dad has a drinking buddy who knows a guy who takes care of this chick's dog that lives next door to one of the cast members and she said it was all real. Oh well Jesus, that changes everything. Go jump off a large tower because you are making the rest of us dumber by having to be around you.
(If you're a hot girl, I'll let it slide if you like this show)
Adult Swim
B + / F -
The quality of Adult Swim's programming differs dramatically in quality depending on what you happen to be watching. For example, Family Guy. There's a funny show. However, they have been rerunning that ad nauseum for 2 years now... yet advertisers keep throwing money at Adult Swim. Hey jackasses, where were you 5-6 years ago when Family Guy was on the first time around? Oh that's right, you didn't think it was funny and helped kill it with Fox... but I digress... Also, the same goes for Futurama.
Ever heard of The Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Home Movies? These are equally hilarious cartoons that can only be found (again in rerun form) on Adult Swim. Why haven't you seen them? Probably because Adult Swim changes it's programming lineup about as much as fat kid changes his insulin syringes. Get with the 21 Century and Tivo that shit.
Also, while you're recording those shows, make sure you miss Tom Goes to the Mayor, Squidbillies, 12oz. Mouse, umm, did I miss any... there's so many bad ones. A lot of japamiation, which I'm not into... basically, about everything I didn't specifically list. Oh yeah, and make sure to not watch their promos and bumps either... they will make you retarded faster than drinking lead based paint.
Well there you go networks and advertising firms... that's a taste of what this male ages 18-24 is watching. This male ages 18-24 that is months away from graduating college and making more money than he's ever seen in his life... this is what he's watching. You have two options here, you can either pump your money in and out of what I'm watching on tv, or, if you prefer, can cut out the middle man of advertising and send your sports cars and your cell phones and Bellgrande Nachos directly to me for testing and recommendation to my other equally dumb friends.
The ball is in your court - I suggest you choose the latter.
Ironically, these companies want to know what the hell I'm watching on TV, when there is so much incredible bullshit spewing over the airwaves. Don't believe me? Check out ABC's new show Commander in Chief, about a woman president.
Commander in ChiefD+
I turned this on last week because I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, you know, crazy Madam President declares war on Belgium because she's on her period and that's where all the good chocolate is. BUT NO! This show actually thinks it's serious. Swing and a miss, I'll stick to believable television, thanks. Yeah, I also see it's rated high in the Nielsens, big deal, it's the women watching it because they are the ones at home cooking the pies. Besides, whose interested in what women think. Not me.
There's a lot of other crap on TV like this, but I'll get back to that in a minute.
Advertisers need to start catering to what important people think, i.e. what I think. I don't know if you're aware, but I'm a pretty big deal - people know me. So, keeping in mind how important I am, here's the shows on television that advertising gurus should start chucking their money at like a common street performer or Vietnamese hooker. And likewise, where they can save their damn blood money.
The Colbert ReportB+
Some say they don't like this because it's not as good as the Daily Show. Hi, it's not supposed to be the Daily Show Redux, it's Steven Colbert being ridiculous Steven Colbert. For instance, when he has guests on, he walks around and accepts the audiences applause while the guest waits at a small table in the dark. Or how bout his closing thoughts on Friday's show.
...There is simply no reason for anyone to run out of money. Why? These babies right here (points to credit card application). Zero percent financing for nine months. Zero. This is free money. Folks, I sign up for every credit card I'm offered. And I use them everywhere: the grocery store, the gas station, paying off other credit cards..."
Steven Colbert, he's looking over your shoulder, but only because he's got your back.
The West WingA -
Yea, I'm aware I just slammed the other show about the presidency. You know why? Because it wishes it could be The West Wing. In fact, a lot of The West Wing's appeal is that it's the presidency many of us wish we had. President Bartlett is like Bill Clinton, but wiser and without being so damn horny. Republican and that doesn't do it for you? No problem. Right now the show is centered on the upcoming presidential election where Alan Alda is the favorite Republican to win. Also, no one beats the West Wing when it comes to ridiculous guest stars. In the last episode alone they had: Jill from Home Improvement, Alan Matthews from Boy Meets World, Jimmy James from NewsRadio, and... drum roll, please.... Ron Silver; that's right, the bad guy from Timecop. Also, I hear Martin Sheen is on the show.
Laguna Beach
F -
Like this show? How about you go ahead and fuck yourself then. No, it's not real... really. Oh you heard that some guy you used to know's dad has a drinking buddy who knows a guy who takes care of this chick's dog that lives next door to one of the cast members and she said it was all real. Oh well Jesus, that changes everything. Go jump off a large tower because you are making the rest of us dumber by having to be around you.
(If you're a hot girl, I'll let it slide if you like this show)
Adult SwimB + / F -
The quality of Adult Swim's programming differs dramatically in quality depending on what you happen to be watching. For example, Family Guy. There's a funny show. However, they have been rerunning that ad nauseum for 2 years now... yet advertisers keep throwing money at Adult Swim. Hey jackasses, where were you 5-6 years ago when Family Guy was on the first time around? Oh that's right, you didn't think it was funny and helped kill it with Fox... but I digress... Also, the same goes for Futurama.
Ever heard of The Venture Brothers, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Home Movies? These are equally hilarious cartoons that can only be found (again in rerun form) on Adult Swim. Why haven't you seen them? Probably because Adult Swim changes it's programming lineup about as much as fat kid changes his insulin syringes. Get with the 21 Century and Tivo that shit.
Also, while you're recording those shows, make sure you miss Tom Goes to the Mayor, Squidbillies, 12oz. Mouse, umm, did I miss any... there's so many bad ones. A lot of japamiation, which I'm not into... basically, about everything I didn't specifically list. Oh yeah, and make sure to not watch their promos and bumps either... they will make you retarded faster than drinking lead based paint.
Well there you go networks and advertising firms... that's a taste of what this male ages 18-24 is watching. This male ages 18-24 that is months away from graduating college and making more money than he's ever seen in his life... this is what he's watching. You have two options here, you can either pump your money in and out of what I'm watching on tv, or, if you prefer, can cut out the middle man of advertising and send your sports cars and your cell phones and Bellgrande Nachos directly to me for testing and recommendation to my other equally dumb friends.
The ball is in your court - I suggest you choose the latter.
