Tales From Ozzfest
So I get a phone call on Monday asking if I want to go to Ozzfest the next day. Being appreciative of heavy rock's roots, I agree to go, if only to see Ozzy and the rest of Black Sabbath. Presented below is the account of how the day spiraled into Suckfest 2005.
First of all, any day you wake up at 9am after going to bed at 4.30am, you're gonna have trouble on your hands to begin with right off the bat. A shower and a McGriddle popped me right back into action, though. Before heading over to Germain, Latimer suggested we buy some footlong subs from Subdway - since the website said we could bring in food in a clear bag. The internet never lies, right? More on that in a minute.
I go up to the Will Call desk to pick up my ticket and am greeted with the following signs everywhere:
Son of a bitch - that's really the only reason I came. Strike One. We're here though, so no sense in leaving. Besides, the tickets were free, so I walk into the security line with Latimer and Mike bringing up the rear. I get through three.... three security guards, my ticket is scanned, and am promptly bitched at for having my sub sandwich with me. A very manly woman tells me I can't bring that in because Subway is a friggin' sponsor of this concert. She tells me I can go outside and eat it though and then come back in.
Now, if you are thinking, well, at least this woman is smart.... you should be beat with your own shoe. You can't get a re-entry when your ticket is scanned, a mind-shattering peice of knowledge this woman who works the gates at a concert is not aware of. She then explains she would be happy to throw my delicious turkey sub away for me. Bitch. Long story short - I throw the sub to Latimer and Mike and they give it to the 99.7 guys, who give them some energy drinks. Guess what? These aren't allowed in, either. Thanks guys. I'm not at this festival for 5 minutes yet and it's already got two strikes against it.
While Mike and Latimer are outside with the Blitz guys, I head over to see Colin working The Devil's Rejects booth. Thank God for Colin and his unlimited stash of water and shade. I ended up spending a good part of the day there with him.
Anyway, all the other crap that comprises "Strike Three" can be surmised in the advice and anecdotes below.
All I know is this - Ronnie James Dio should be on standby at all times to front Black Sabbath when Ozzy has a boo-freakin-hoo tummy ache. He could fly in on a dragon or some shit, if anyone could do that, it would be him or Jack Black.
Shit, scratch that, put Jack Black on standby, screw Dio AND Ozzy.
First of all, any day you wake up at 9am after going to bed at 4.30am, you're gonna have trouble on your hands to begin with right off the bat. A shower and a McGriddle popped me right back into action, though. Before heading over to Germain, Latimer suggested we buy some footlong subs from Subdway - since the website said we could bring in food in a clear bag. The internet never lies, right? More on that in a minute.
I go up to the Will Call desk to pick up my ticket and am greeted with the following signs everywhere:
Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath will not be performing tonight.
Son of a bitch - that's really the only reason I came. Strike One. We're here though, so no sense in leaving. Besides, the tickets were free, so I walk into the security line with Latimer and Mike bringing up the rear. I get through three.... three security guards, my ticket is scanned, and am promptly bitched at for having my sub sandwich with me. A very manly woman tells me I can't bring that in because Subway is a friggin' sponsor of this concert. She tells me I can go outside and eat it though and then come back in.
Now, if you are thinking, well, at least this woman is smart.... you should be beat with your own shoe. You can't get a re-entry when your ticket is scanned, a mind-shattering peice of knowledge this woman who works the gates at a concert is not aware of. She then explains she would be happy to throw my delicious turkey sub away for me. Bitch. Long story short - I throw the sub to Latimer and Mike and they give it to the 99.7 guys, who give them some energy drinks. Guess what? These aren't allowed in, either. Thanks guys. I'm not at this festival for 5 minutes yet and it's already got two strikes against it.
While Mike and Latimer are outside with the Blitz guys, I head over to see Colin working The Devil's Rejects booth. Thank God for Colin and his unlimited stash of water and shade. I ended up spending a good part of the day there with him.
Anyway, all the other crap that comprises "Strike Three" can be surmised in the advice and anecdotes below.
- Bring sunscreen if you are going to be outside for 10 hours, that was my fault.
- If you are an incredibly unattractive and overweight woman, please, for everyone's sake, do not walk around topless all day. This was most decidely not my fault.
- "Eight dollars for a beer? Fuck you!"
- Don't go to Ozzfest until at least 4-5 hours after it has started. All the bands will sound the same - with the suck knob on the guitars and mics turned up to max.
- Girls passing out condoms all day. Actually, this was more humorous and ironic to me than anything, since it was about 95 degrees all day, rendering the condoms useless and melting them unless used immediately. Colin cracked one open to verify the melting theory.
- Hey dickhead next to me, don't analyze Rob Zombie's performance as it's going on and let me enjoy his set. You are not a rock and roll historian or expert. You are a 45-year old alcoholic going through a midlife crisis who took the day off from work at the gas station, now shut up.
- Furthermore, everyone came to see the guy on stage dance around and sing really loud, not you. Dumbass.
- Mudvayne - don't smoke so much pot right before you go on stage and maybe you won't blow. Oh but you did. You lose, try again next year.
- Oh, and if three security guards are forcing you out of the ampitheater, is there really any point in trying to fight it. Especically if you're wasted? Oh yeah, I guess that's probably why you try it. Repeatedly. Like an Alzheimer's patient.
All I know is this - Ronnie James Dio should be on standby at all times to front Black Sabbath when Ozzy has a boo-freakin-hoo tummy ache. He could fly in on a dragon or some shit, if anyone could do that, it would be him or Jack Black.
Shit, scratch that, put Jack Black on standby, screw Dio AND Ozzy.
