The Story of "Buckeye" Bill
It's almost 5am as I write this. I haven't been to sleep yet, and I go in to work at 9. Sitting here realizing I will probably fall asleep sometime at work tomorrow reminds me of story about a man who worked in my office before I did.
"Buckeye" Bill was a guy that used to work with us down in Document Services. Very few people knew his last name was Heston because everyone knew him as the ubiquitous "Buckeye Bill" or simply just "Buckeye." Ironically enough, Bill wasn't as big of a Bucks fan as most people thought he was.
The story of why he was known as "Buckeye" goes back to another man that used to work in our office, Kevin. The thing about Bill and Kevin was that a) they always were goofing off and b) never getting enough sleep at home. Obviously, you can see I would identify with and admire both of these individuals.
One day Kevin was sound asleep at his desk (for quite some time, no doubt) and our supervisor Jim comes into the office. Bill, who for some reason was having the mental acuity of a supercomputer and cat-like reflexes that day, screams out, without hesitation:
Without missing a beat, Kevin's head springs up and he begins shuffling papers strewn out all over his desk. To anyone who has been in the room more than 30 seconds, it is clear he has not been working and this sight is absolutely hysterical.
Jim, however, notices nothing out of the ordinary, drinks a cup of coffee, and leaves.
Some point later in the day, Bill falls asleep on his keyboard. Again, Jim strolls down into the office, coffee mug in hand, to see how things are going. Lucky for Bill, Kevin is all rested up and awake on this occassion.
Bill shoots up and begins pounding on his possibly drool covered keyboard. "YEA YEA, GO BUCKS!!" He says with an air of panic and about 20 decibels louder than normal. "JUST PULLING UP THIS WEEK'S ROSTER!! YEA! GO BUCKS!!!!"
Satisfied that this isn't the behavior of a man who has been asleep on the job for an hour, Jim leaves.
And so it came to pass that everytime one of those two guys fell asleep, the other would frantically yell "Go Bucks!" to wake the other up. Being that Bill was a big booming man who always over-exaggerated the routine, and that it rolled off the tongue so nicely, he became known simply as Buckeye Bill.
And it also came to pass that nearly everyday for, and I swear to God I am not kidding, five years, Bill and Kevin did most of their sleeping at work. While slackers they may have been, the plan was really quite ingenious. Bill and Kevin tapped into the one undeniable fact about working/attending The Ohio State University: you never question another's devotion to the Buckeyes. To my friends here at OSU, I suggest you use this knowledge to your advantage, like I plan to in several hours when I wake up from whatever impromptu nap I invariably end up taking at work.
Oh, whatever happened to Bill and Kevin? Why that's the best part of the story. Their jobs were downsized and now I handle all of the work they both would have done in the past. That's right, the "work" I do now used to be handled by two men. And if you aren't infuriated by that, then you weren't reading correctly.
"Buckeye" Bill was a guy that used to work with us down in Document Services. Very few people knew his last name was Heston because everyone knew him as the ubiquitous "Buckeye Bill" or simply just "Buckeye." Ironically enough, Bill wasn't as big of a Bucks fan as most people thought he was.
The story of why he was known as "Buckeye" goes back to another man that used to work in our office, Kevin. The thing about Bill and Kevin was that a) they always were goofing off and b) never getting enough sleep at home. Obviously, you can see I would identify with and admire both of these individuals.
One day Kevin was sound asleep at his desk (for quite some time, no doubt) and our supervisor Jim comes into the office. Bill, who for some reason was having the mental acuity of a supercomputer and cat-like reflexes that day, screams out, without hesitation:
GO BUCKS!!!
Without missing a beat, Kevin's head springs up and he begins shuffling papers strewn out all over his desk. To anyone who has been in the room more than 30 seconds, it is clear he has not been working and this sight is absolutely hysterical.
Jim, however, notices nothing out of the ordinary, drinks a cup of coffee, and leaves.
Some point later in the day, Bill falls asleep on his keyboard. Again, Jim strolls down into the office, coffee mug in hand, to see how things are going. Lucky for Bill, Kevin is all rested up and awake on this occassion.
GO BUCKS!!! Kevin screams.
Bill shoots up and begins pounding on his possibly drool covered keyboard. "YEA YEA, GO BUCKS!!" He says with an air of panic and about 20 decibels louder than normal. "JUST PULLING UP THIS WEEK'S ROSTER!! YEA! GO BUCKS!!!!"
Satisfied that this isn't the behavior of a man who has been asleep on the job for an hour, Jim leaves.
And so it came to pass that everytime one of those two guys fell asleep, the other would frantically yell "Go Bucks!" to wake the other up. Being that Bill was a big booming man who always over-exaggerated the routine, and that it rolled off the tongue so nicely, he became known simply as Buckeye Bill.
And it also came to pass that nearly everyday for, and I swear to God I am not kidding, five years, Bill and Kevin did most of their sleeping at work. While slackers they may have been, the plan was really quite ingenious. Bill and Kevin tapped into the one undeniable fact about working/attending The Ohio State University: you never question another's devotion to the Buckeyes. To my friends here at OSU, I suggest you use this knowledge to your advantage, like I plan to in several hours when I wake up from whatever impromptu nap I invariably end up taking at work.
Oh, whatever happened to Bill and Kevin? Why that's the best part of the story. Their jobs were downsized and now I handle all of the work they both would have done in the past. That's right, the "work" I do now used to be handled by two men. And if you aren't infuriated by that, then you weren't reading correctly.
