The Mass Exodus of Columbus, Ohio
Those who live in Columbus year-round without moving play witness to a strange phenomenon that recurs annually like clockwork. The Mass Exodus of Columbus, Ohio occurs in two very distinctive phases.
Phase One
It begins when the students living in dorms move out of The Ohio State University for the summer, which usually occurs during the week of Spring quarter exams (however this also occurs for other breaks). I find this to be a particular treat when watching students who have never experienced this before. I say this because the only thing they know about the moving process is when they move in during Welcome Week. This process is quite honestly, planned and strategically implemented as a tactical military strike. Police direct and reroute traffic, cars queue up very efficiently at dorms, teams of other students swarm a vehicle and unload it of all its contents in record time and transport this to the students dorm room. All in all, it's quite a marvel, highly worthy of praise and often leaves parents with a good impression of "how well Ohio State is run."
The move out process is complete shit.
Quite simply, there is no process. The mandate from OSU is to move out by Friday at noon. Now, there's a smart idea - schedule exams all that week and then demand you be moved out by noon on Friday, yeah, that's intelligent. That being said, here's what this causes.
Phase Two
It was during the past weekend (8/20) that I became aware of Phase Two. The origins of Phase Two lie in the magic month before new residents move in to apartments and houses on campus, but after the old ones move out so the owners can clean and fix them up... yeah right... dont get me started on that one....
By some weird coincidence or twist of fate, most if not all realty companies designate this particular weekend for the old residents to move out... again, how incredibly smart. There are really only two significant things that happen during this time.
5:30am Broken down truck comes and random guy with a flashlight digs through the dumpsters behind my apartment.
5:34am I swear, not even 5 minutes later, another random pick up truck pulls up and two other people with flashlights dig through. I briefly considered hitting the car alarm on the truck, but then I felt bad thinking about it, figuring these people probably have enough problems and feel embarrassed enough as it is.
7:30am The city trucks finally come to haul everything away. It takes them about 15 minutes before I heard them leave. I should note they drop both dumpsters 3 times, and dropped a substantial amount of trash onto the street in the process.
Nice work, idiots.
Well anyway, I thought it was interesting the impact a large group of people being forced out of a small space in a short period of time has. Campus has been the West Bank of Columbus for awhile it seems. Except, you know, without the 3000 year old religious conflict or persecution or bombings or hot political debate or military enforced disengagement . Yeah.... exactly like the West Bank...
Phase One
It begins when the students living in dorms move out of The Ohio State University for the summer, which usually occurs during the week of Spring quarter exams (however this also occurs for other breaks). I find this to be a particular treat when watching students who have never experienced this before. I say this because the only thing they know about the moving process is when they move in during Welcome Week. This process is quite honestly, planned and strategically implemented as a tactical military strike. Police direct and reroute traffic, cars queue up very efficiently at dorms, teams of other students swarm a vehicle and unload it of all its contents in record time and transport this to the students dorm room. All in all, it's quite a marvel, highly worthy of praise and often leaves parents with a good impression of "how well Ohio State is run."
The move out process is complete shit.
Quite simply, there is no process. The mandate from OSU is to move out by Friday at noon. Now, there's a smart idea - schedule exams all that week and then demand you be moved out by noon on Friday, yeah, that's intelligent. That being said, here's what this causes.
- Traffic around campus comes to a standstill from about Wednesday - Friday, producing congestion I will hereby accurately refer to as "clusterfucks"
- Behind the wheels of many of these cars are parents who can not drive, or are seemingly driving with one arm and/or leg. How idiots like this keep getting issued driver's licenses is beyond me.
- Many local restaurants, fast food places, and bars change their hours, because they no longer have the high volume and drunk college students to make them profitable.
- The Lantern reduces publication to twice weekly (not that I care about The Lantern in any form, but a fact nonetheless)
- I'm sure there are others that are slipping my memory at the moment.
Phase Two
It was during the past weekend (8/20) that I became aware of Phase Two. The origins of Phase Two lie in the magic month before new residents move in to apartments and houses on campus, but after the old ones move out so the owners can clean and fix them up... yeah right... dont get me started on that one....
By some weird coincidence or twist of fate, most if not all realty companies designate this particular weekend for the old residents to move out... again, how incredibly smart. There are really only two significant things that happen during this time.
- Columbus becomes even more barren, and much more significantly...
- The trash. My gentle, Jesus.... the trash buildup.
5:30am Broken down truck comes and random guy with a flashlight digs through the dumpsters behind my apartment.
5:34am I swear, not even 5 minutes later, another random pick up truck pulls up and two other people with flashlights dig through. I briefly considered hitting the car alarm on the truck, but then I felt bad thinking about it, figuring these people probably have enough problems and feel embarrassed enough as it is.
7:30am The city trucks finally come to haul everything away. It takes them about 15 minutes before I heard them leave. I should note they drop both dumpsters 3 times, and dropped a substantial amount of trash onto the street in the process.
Nice work, idiots.Well anyway, I thought it was interesting the impact a large group of people being forced out of a small space in a short period of time has. Campus has been the West Bank of Columbus for awhile it seems. Except, you know, without the 3000 year old religious conflict or persecution or bombings or hot political debate or military enforced disengagement . Yeah.... exactly like the West Bank...
