What I'm Really Learning From College

If you do not have the privilege of attending The Ohio State University, then you are likely missing out on the time honored tradition of a gameday at Ohio State... something that is likely more than half the reason to even go to the godforsaken school. Here now, is an inside look at the typical day of many a college student on a Saturday in October (luckily for all of you, I can operate a camera when drunk).

In our house, gameday started with the chirping of my alarm clock at 7am. Approximately half an hour later, I was out of bed. Oh this particular day, Ohio State vs. Michigan State happened to coincide with one of my roommates (Tingley's) birthday. Being the good roommates that we are, Latimer and I hoofed it down High Street to get Tingley his birthday breakfast in bed... McGriddles and Busch Light. And Rolaids.

Interesting sidenote - there were about 20 police officers at Mcee Dee's while we were there, so if you ever want to knock over a liquor store in Columbus, do it at about 7.30am when all the police officers are shoving hash browns down their throats.


Now, beer is not exactly the first thing one wants to drink when waking up, but that simply does not matter. It is more a thing that you have to do, like visiting the dentist or showing up to court after you piss on a state trooper. You do not have to bong it, or drink it fast, but beer must be with you throughout the whole waking up process, to get your blood pumping Scarlet and Gray... and beer.

There is one exception to this rule, and that is The Shower Beer. If you choose to take a shower before the game, you must take a beer in with you, it is not debatable. You must finish the beer by the time you finish the shower... and taking an inordinate amount of time to do so is very much frowned upon. Finally, when you finish the beer, it must be placed somewhere in the bathroom, like a trophy. I have seen grown men dragged into the street, called degenerates, and stoned for failing to observe these customs correctly.

By this time, you should be ready to tailgate. Tailgate is a fancy word for "Eat as much food and drink as much booze as you can before the game starts because you can't do it in the stadium." At our tailgates, Momma Sab and Co. grace us with delicious treats like brats, cheesy potatoes, fried turkey and a delightful variety of goods from the Riesbecks bakery. Oh, and often times, Yuengling beer. If you have never had it, drop everything you are doing and drive to Pennsylvania and get some. If you are in Pennsylvania, drop everything you are doing and bring me some Yuengling beer.

If you can stop at another tailgating party (like the legendary Colin Mack's) on the way to your primary tailgate location, this is highly recommended and encouraged.

And while eating and drinking at this high rate, you may not yet know your body's capacity to handle this, and feel the urge to vomit. This is shocking and a foreign concept to you, I'm sure. The only advice I would give to someone in this situation can best be described by the character Billy Bob in Varsity Blues... "Puking Rally!" You make the call.

Anyhoo, at about now it's time for the game, a small yet, for some reason, important part, of football Saturdays. You only really need to know two things for this. One, it is possible to get a sunburn in the middle of October, and you probably will. Two, if you are a girl sitting with a bunch of guys, expect to be thrown back and forth into the air for every point Ohio State scores... every time they score. That being said, here's some other pictures from the game.

(I didn't feel like taking time to align them all pretty. Deal with it)