You Get to Destroy My Phone
It's 5.15am on Sunday morning, and I'm lying awake in bed. I have to work in several hours but I can not fall asleep. Like an Alzheimer's patient, I briefly think about opening up my cellphone and scrolling through the contacts to see who might be awake right now - until I remember my phone doesn't allow this. I hate my phone.
Maybe it started the day I was talking on it in the rain, or maybe it was one of the many times I dropped it while enjoying a pint of ale at the local tavern; I'm not certain the exact day it contracted consumer electronic cancer, but it's been on life support ever since.
A lot of people say their phone sucks because it doesn't have Bluetooth or an MP3 player in it. If any of these people are reading this, I would like to invite you to shove a Bluetooth up your ass. I must say a prayer every time I dial a number, as the screen on the inside shows only white, and the one on the outside is cracked. Also, did I mention my phone randomly turns itself on and off while in the middle of a phone call?
Granted, I have had this little guy for about two years. Now, I can see how it's really hard to build an electronic device that will actually function normally for two years. After all, it's not like the phone companies have access to the technology present in my 15 year old Gameboy or anything.
After powering my little phone on after this weekend, it informed me I had 12 new voice messages - all calls I should have received were Alltel able to provide me with a phone that held a charge longer than 45 minutes. It was at this point, I had small but life-threatening seizure. When I recovered, I immediately ordered a new phone and service from Verizon.
This is the part where you come in.
Though I am happy I should be using my new phone by Monday or Tuesday, the question remains what to do with my old beat up jalopy of a cell phone. Though I considered several twisted and hilarious ways to destroy this thing, I remembered I have friends that might even be more sick and twisted than me. Since this little compendium of my thoughts is read Texas, California, Switzerland, and everywhere in between, I figured it's worth asking:
What is the best possible way to destroy my phone?
Click 'comments' below (you don't have to sign up to use it) or shoot me an IM with your suggestion. I'll post pictures of the carnage here once the deed is done.
Maybe it started the day I was talking on it in the rain, or maybe it was one of the many times I dropped it while enjoying a pint of ale at the local tavern; I'm not certain the exact day it contracted consumer electronic cancer, but it's been on life support ever since.
A lot of people say their phone sucks because it doesn't have Bluetooth or an MP3 player in it. If any of these people are reading this, I would like to invite you to shove a Bluetooth up your ass. I must say a prayer every time I dial a number, as the screen on the inside shows only white, and the one on the outside is cracked. Also, did I mention my phone randomly turns itself on and off while in the middle of a phone call?
Granted, I have had this little guy for about two years. Now, I can see how it's really hard to build an electronic device that will actually function normally for two years. After all, it's not like the phone companies have access to the technology present in my 15 year old Gameboy or anything.
After powering my little phone on after this weekend, it informed me I had 12 new voice messages - all calls I should have received were Alltel able to provide me with a phone that held a charge longer than 45 minutes. It was at this point, I had small but life-threatening seizure. When I recovered, I immediately ordered a new phone and service from Verizon.
This is the part where you come in.
Though I am happy I should be using my new phone by Monday or Tuesday, the question remains what to do with my old beat up jalopy of a cell phone. Though I considered several twisted and hilarious ways to destroy this thing, I remembered I have friends that might even be more sick and twisted than me. Since this little compendium of my thoughts is read Texas, California, Switzerland, and everywhere in between, I figured it's worth asking:
What is the best possible way to destroy my phone?
Click 'comments' below (you don't have to sign up to use it) or shoot me an IM with your suggestion. I'll post pictures of the carnage here once the deed is done.
Adrienne: make a floating funeral pyre for your cell phone, light it, and send it out onto the olentangy
Adrienne: and hope that the river catches fire at the same time
Adrienne: or, climb to the roof of lincoln tower and drop it off the top
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:30 AM
shove it up tim payne's ass
Posted by
Anonymous |
12:35 AM
Put it under the wheel of a COTA/CABS bus, but inevitably because the bus is always late, you end up destroying it yourself in anger and inpatience.
Posted by
Anonymous |
11:29 AM
i think you should eat it. i hear pumpkin butter is great on electronic devices. it may take awhile to digest.
Posted by
Anonymous |
4:20 PM
Simple, effective, beat the hell out of it with a baseball bat.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3:16 AM
Using a pulley system, rig a comically large anvil about 8 feet in the air. Set the phone directly below and place a lit candle directly below the now tied-off rope and let the anticipation take over. Those few minutes will be the most suspenseful time of your life. I know. That's how we put my rabid dog down when I was nine.
Posted by
Jess Mosser |
6:19 PM