What I'm Really Learning From College

Dear Fat Ass,

I can see how you thought you were entitled to my wallet the other night, being that you worked really hard for all my money and credit cards in it, but I am inclined to disagree with your logic. Also, you are really fat, and fat people like you don't deserve money because you clearly have too much of it already and are spending on food. Fattie. Oh and kudos on knocking me down from the back and beating me, and then quickly running away in your car, it's really quite a testament to what a big brave man you are. So anyway, in summation, enjoy all the tacos and cheeseburgers you'll be buying with my hard earned cash, cockgobbler, and may your penis quickly implode or fall off from lack of circulation due to your fat fucking ass.

Imagining your face every time I urinate,

Corey

So if you're looking for something fun to do, do what I did recently and spend a week at the luxurious Ohio State University Medical Center. Apparently I had some sort of tear in my upper stomach and was having wuite a bit of blood loss from it... Among the low points of the week... vomitting blood, having a camera thrown down my throat, drinking radioactive crap, and a nice little stomach pump to top it all off.

In the hospital you have an over abundance of time and little to do. Among the highlights I had when people weren't stopping by and visiting were reading Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars That Tell Them, crossword puzzles... and an insane amount of television. (I bet you didnt know Henry Rollins once hosted a show on the SciFi channel or that Macgyver is on three times a day).

Unfortunately, you don't get a lot of sleep in the hospital. Why? Well in my case, it was a diabetic roommate that bitches for a popsicle every 30 minutes and some stranger taking your vitals every 2 hours. You'd think they would want you to rest if you're in the hospital? A really sucky side effect of this is that you are awake during the morning when Dr. Phil's show is on. God, I HATE Dr. Phil....

On the plus side, my very sweet friends visited me and tried to keep me entertained and happy... despite the fact that I was sporting the gayest gown known to man.

Another highlight was possibly the dynamite drugs they gave me while I was in the hospital. In addition to morphine and demerol, there was this little delicious one that started with a V that I cant remember the name of. Funny enough, it had an "amensia effect" that keeps you concious while you are taking it, but after its out of your system, you cant hardly remember a thing about the time that you were being given the drug. Isn't that crazy? While I appreciate the people that visited during those wacky hours spread over a couple days, I don't remember anything we probably talked about.

So fast forward to Friday, I get out of the hospital. Naturally, I go straight to the pharmacy to get all my sweet (term used very liberally) meds.... and then rush straight over to happy hour at Applebee's. It seemed to make sense, followed up by a ridiculous Cinco de Mayo at Nick's place. Among other things, I learn what a Tequila Popper and a "Tequm" is. Thanks Szweda boys.

I wonder what next week has in store